Monday, September 10, 2007

Osama explains it all for you

Bin Laden has a new tape out, and I'm a little disappointed. He says that all this fighting and tension can be over and we can all get along fine, if we just give up on capitalism and democracy and convert to Hinduism. Or maybe it was Buddhism. Anyway, one of those.

I'm disappointed because I think ol' Bin has been playing it passive-aggressive these past six years, trying to get us to read his mind - why does it take so long to just come out and say what you want? Binny, baby, don't be coy.

Now that we know what it takes to make everything right, I'm sure you will join me in renouncing those meaningless, shallow beliefs that seem to be causing all the trouble. Let's look at some pros and cons:

Capitalism
Pros: Any person with drive can get rich, and with drive and some brains, incredibly rich.
Cons: Most of us don't have enough drive and/or brains.
Verdict: Dump it. I'd much rather have a wise holy man in a beard tell me how many goats I can have. Then I can just sit back and enjoy life.

Democracy
Pros: Any person can run for office and get elected.
Cons: Any person can run for office and get elected.
Verdict: It's so 20th century! We need a system for the future, like Hinduism! Or Buddhism or whatnot.

Christianity
Pros: Sustaining faith of my ancestors; basic New Testament tenets of love answering all questions provides comfort and solace to billions worldwide.
Cons: Basic New Testament tenets appear to be plagiarized from The Beatles; not enough chopping off of hands.
Verdict: Time to try something different. Hug me, Osama, I am filled with the spirit of Hindu-ness!

So I am making a tape of my own. You'll probably see it on all the news soon. I will renounce all the bad stuff Bin's been pointing out, and profess my new beliefs, and I'm sure you will want to join me and stop the violence.

I mean, what are we fighting for anyway?...

2 comments:

Scott said...

As Jesus said, "The love you take is equal to the love you make."

Barry Martin said...

And who can forget apostle Paul's Letter to the Maharishi in which he wrote "I am the walrus, coo-coo-ca-choo." Amen.