Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Reflections on the pending zombiepocalypse

Based on the recent alignment of Mars, Venus and the crescent moon, a series of revelatory dreams I have experienced, and the news that Adam Sandler has a net worth of $300 million, it is apparent that the long-awaited and overdue end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it is about to commence in the form of a chaotic zombiepocalypse.

Evidence abounds that the brain-devouring undead are increasingly emboldened and unafraid to walk among us in the light of day. The most recent examples include the brazenly destructive and pathological behavior exhibited by Courtney of the current season of The Bachelor; the inexplicable rise to fame of singer Lana del Ray; and, of course, Mitt Romney.

Further evidence of the aggressive new zombie behavior and invasion into the world of the living came to me during the writing of this essay, in the form of an email that reads:

"I'm walking around wi t h a hu ge ;hear!t that won't stop beating wildly. That's because y.ou're with me. I ha_ve given you an eC'ard to let you realize how I feel. read your not;e"

As is widely accepted among zombiepocalypse academics such as myself, the misuse of semicolons, exclamation points and underscoring is a hallmark of the type of keyboarding errors that occur as a result of shredded, rotting fingertips. And besides, who send e-cards these days?

Addition research reveals a heightened level of organization among the Z population, including attempts to socialize and perhaps even propagate through such means as ZombieHarmony, where one will find among the disclaimer text:
"ZombieHarmony is for zombies only. We advise signing up for ZombieHarmony only if you lack a pulse, have limited motor skills, or feel an intense desire to feast on human beings. We are not responsible for lost or ingested loved ones. If you go on a date with a zombie, we cannot be held liable for contributing to the apocalypse."  
As always, awareness is the key. Stay alert, and periodically test yourself for zombification by attempting to turn off the TV. If you can, stand by for further instructions. If you cannot, it may be too late.

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