Tuesday, December 30, 2008

That sound you're hearing is my knuckles on your cranium

Since it is almost the New Year, it's appropos to point out new laws that will take effect on January 1, 2009. There are always a lot of handy new laws each year. The one that is getting the most attention now is the new rule against texting while driving. What's next? I suppose they will ban me from other things I currently enjoy while driving, like making waffles and quilting.Fascists. 

But there's one new law that's getting overlooked so far - as of 1/1/09 it will be legal to inflict physical mayhem on people who walk slow in front of you - people known as "slow walkers."

"It's about time!" you say, and indeed, you are correct. It's time to put an end to this scourge of humanity - these pokey butts who are wasting our precious time with their dawdling, wandering, and general cluelessness. 

Let's make it clear this new law does not allow the corporal punishment on the clearly infirm. However, it is acceptable to say to a person with one leg, "Hey, can you hop a little faster?" 

I made a recent visit to Ikea, confirming the need for the "go ahead and dope slap that slow walker" ruling. If muttering obscenities burned a lot of calories, I would have left that store a thin man. 

The profound need for broad societal change in this vital area is made clear by the existence of a Facebook group called "I Secretly Want To Punch Slow Walking People In The Back Of The Head" - a group that as of today boasts 1,112,143 members. What we have here, ladies and gentleman, is a problem of global scope and it's time for change you can believe in. 

For more on this outrage and the need for solutions, here's some recommended reading. 

In summary, if you suspect you may be one of these slow walkers, just keep in mind that any one of the 1,112,13 members of "I Secretly Want To Punch Slow Walking People In The Back Of The Head" may be right behind you at any time. And keep a move on. 


goooooood girl said...

your blog is very good......

Anonymous said...

I could not agree anymore...in fact, I am also a member of the facebook group you mentioned...it's almost as bad as 2 people sitting next to each other at a table in a restaurant instead of across...almost...