Sunday, December 21, 2008

Come be alone with me

Having recently become a person who spends a lot of time alone, and this being something that is new to me, I thought I would pass on some tips on the topic. 

1. Some so-called experts will say you should not drink alone. Hogwash. A much more realistic and useful bit of advice is this: always have one glass of water to match each drink. This guarantees two things: lots of trips to the bathroom, which may result in some type of human interaction (Not IN the bathroom, ok? I don't swing that way) and you will remain semi-sober so you can drive yourself home - important when you are alone. No good to be slobbering all over some cab driver. You may want him to be your friend now, but you won't tomorrow.

2. Consider investing in a cushion. Carry it with your laptop. The chairs at Starbuck's are hard and if you really want to be the creepy guy who's always sitting there, you may find your butt goes numb.

3. Go ahead and wear the sweat pants. After all, you are alone. Who cares? And going around in sweat pants guarantees you will continue to be alone. That's the way you like it, right Bunky?

4. Ditto shaving, bathing, deodorant, doing laundry, and annoying social restrictions on loudly passing gas in public. These are rules for people who want to be with other people. Who needs all this structure? Fight the power! Alone is as alone does. Consider dispensing with clothing altogether. Not only liberating but a cost-saver, too.

5. If you see a beautiful woman sitting alone in a bar, and she's wearing boots, by all means go up to her and ask "Are those boots made for walking?" This will demonstrate that you are witty and spunky and you have knowledge of 60s pop music. It will also get you talked about in the bar, as the beautiful woman will tell her friends what a stunning dork you are. Better to be known for something than to be anonymous. 

6. There's a lot said about being alone on holidays. The truth is, there's no difference between being alone on a regular day and being alone on a holiday, except for the outbursts of uncontrollable sobbing. 

7. Have a blog. Gives you something to do when you're sitting on those hard chairs at Starbuck's. 



Anonymous said...

I kind of feel like my life story was just reduced to 7 basic principles. Let me just bookmark this for future reference (in case I ever get off track).

Anonymous said...

Whining is so much fun.....your future is so bright since you see everything in some sort of light, and right now it seems a bit gray, maybe you need to change the light to be a blue, purple or red light, and let's see what you write about then. Red could be hot! Hey Santa wears it every year, and I hate Christmas.

your daughter said...

this is dark, papa.
maybe you should channel that creativity and write the next "Royal Tenebaums" or something useful.