Saturday, April 19, 2008

Ice chewers and wave do-ers should literally be punished

People who chew ice should be deported. Maybe to Iceland, where they would find all the ice they want to chew until their freaking faces freeze and break off.

There are a few times and places where the chewing of ice will be allowed:
(a) you are 10 years old or so, or
(b) you are at a county fair and have a snowcone, or
(c) it's over 90 degrees and you are in the bleachers at a ball game, or
(d) you just had a nice fountain Coke with crushed ice on a hot day, or
(d) you are dying of dehydration and all the water is frozen

Times and places where chewing ice is NOT allowed:
(a) you are in a meeting room with lots of other people, one of whom is speaking to the group and everyone is supposed to be listening quietly
(b) all other cases not described in a through d above
(c) in general, anywhere within 500 yards of me, or I swear I will - I mean it! Don't make me come over there!!

People who know me know I have a thing - and I mean a bad thing - about noisy eating, the smacking of the mouth, the talking with the mouth full. Ice chewing is a subset of this banned behavior. Just say no. Besides, chewing ice will cause cracks in your teeth and you will need root canals and crowns and perhaps brain surgery. And on top of that, I have read that people who chew ice are sexually frustrated, so before you start munching you should look around and see who might have also heard that, and consider that they may spread rumors about your lack of mojo. If they don't, I will.

And another thing - the wave is over. Saw a recent post on some sports site where the writer described being at a baseball game, close score, runners on base, the moment when the "organist" should play dah-nah-na-NANT- nu-NAH! and we all shout "CHARGE!" but instead some nimrod's got the wave going. The wave has had its day, and it's time for the wave to hang 'em up. When you're at a game and you think it's boring, you can text somebody, check your email, call your mom, look under the seats for loose change enough to buy one more beer - anything but the wave!

And while I'm at it, please take a moment to consider if you are an abuser of the word "literally." Just for clarity, "literally" means something that actually happened or may happen - it is the opposite of "figuratively" in common speech, agreed? Hence, if you say "...and when she walked in I literally died!" there is at least a chance you are exaggerating. How about "this new product will literally melt away fat!" - not really. "He is literally strong as a bull." Not really. And so on. You can make all kinds of wonderful figurative statements and I sure won't quibble over the accuracy if you just leave literally in your quiver.

To recap:
ICE: shake your martini with it, have a Coke and a smile, make some home made ice cream, but don't bite it.
WAVE: Resist and ignore. If it persists, run out ahead of the crest and shout it down by saying "F*%&@ the wave! " over and over until you are escorted from the facility. It's the least you can do.
LITERALLY: Each time you catch yourself saying it, ten Hail Marys.

Go on about your business now. Just remember, I've got my eye on you...


DodgerScott said...

I love to chew ice. Especially the crushed ice that comes out of my freezer. It's a must do when sipping on my HOT bloody Marys. P.S. I also bite my finger nails. And yes, I just turned 38. So there, mister holier-than-though.

Barry Martin said...

OK, so you are admitting you are sexually frustrated, that's very mature of you.

I will have to agree that chewing ice WILL be allowed when drinking one of your eye-popping Marys.