Monday, January 9, 2012

Blog failure, part 2

When things go wrong, there is only one thing on my mind - find someone to blame.

Being the self-centered yet sensitive sociopath that I am, I rarely find my satisfactory scapegoat to be
(a) me, or
(b) another specific person

So I am happy to report that the deficiency of blog posts on my part of late is not the fault of

(a) me, or
(b) another specific person

But my good friend blame can be placed squarely on a faceless, heartless, brainless Corporation. (A timely scapegoat indeed, given the tenor of the times. All you one-percenter-shareholders-in-faceless-heartless-brainless corporations, take heed. I'm watching you.)

The FHB Corporation in question is an alleged supplier of bandwidth, a commodity of importance to He Who Blogs - particularly he who blogs only in privacy and mostly late at night when the hour and the wine facilitates. There is a certain solitude required - a solitude the FHB Corp has refused to provide me for most of the last six months.

I moved, you see, from a small abode with reliable interweb access to a more comfortable, quieter, scenic abode with the kind of connectivity that would be devised to torture Steve Jobs in Hell. (Note: the author defers from suggesting Steve Jobs is, in fact, in Hell. This is a metaphorical construct. Do not consult an attorney.)

Granted, a portion of the connectivity issue is allegedly related to the alleged non-payment of certain alleged bills from the FHB Corp, but I allegedly digress from the issue at hand, which is to indicate, while not specifically fingering the nincompoopery and competence-free practices of said Corporation (which shall not be named but whose initials begin with "A" and end with "T&T") and to place blame, while being completely deserved, accurate and fitting, is just not my style.

It's my fault for a loveless blog marriage of late, in truth. I could have blogged from some devastatingly unhip corporate location that rhymes with Charflucks, or from some tragically hip non-corporate location where the coffee is twice the price and takes four times longer to get because the barista is clearly on 'shrooms, or I could have blogged from my phone which is physically possible but fails to stimulate the kind of quick, free-flowing wit (ahem) that you're reading right now, due to the fact that I can't write three words in a row correctly on my iPhone, thanks to Steve Jobs (who, once again, is most likely NOT in Hell) , or I could have blogged from my workplace BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG. So the result of all this has been that I have not blogged. I have failed. I am (cue tears #1) so SO sorry...

Avid readers of this blog (oh ye of questionable judgment) may recall that this post is of the same theme as the last whiny post of November 16, 2011. For this I am, once again (cue tears #2) so SO sorry. But honestly, if I can be sincere for just a moment...ok, the moment's been a nightmare of web deprivation. Scientists studying penguins in Antarctica have better bandwidth capability than I have had the last six months.

Today, I am happy to report I have green lights on my modem, a wireless network so robust I can feel my DNA mutating, and a semi-functional brain full of blog topics. 2012 looks to be a fecund year.

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