Monday, January 17, 2011

My annual report

To paraphrase some comedian I once heard: "There comes an age when a person should stop making a big deal about their birthday, and that age is 12." It came as some surprise, then, to have a couple of Facebook friends suggest I should blog about my birthday, because out of all the topics I might think to write about, my birthday would rank about 1,327. I had a birthday. Whoop-dee-frickin-doo. Slap me silly and call me morose, but it's just a reminder that I'm a year closer to being dead than I was a year ago. "I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker" and it's not pretty.

Simultaneously, since I'm really good at holding completely contradictory thoughts in my head side-by-side and seeing them both as honest and true because, after all, they are MY thoughts and all my thoughts are honest and true and even admirable (ahem) I still secretly wish for someone to surprise me, make a big deal of my birthday, and make me feel loved. (This happened once in my so-called adult life, and it was an unforgettably good feeling.) And so like a child with a taste of candy, you want more, and like The Dude, the child inside abides.

But I ask you, friend, is it the birthday that matters? Does it matter when someone important to you almost completely forgets you? Or is it taking stock of the year you have just lived, and peering into the year to come, that is of value? Rhetorical questions. Don't bother answering, because this is my blog and my opinion, so the answers are no, yes, and yes, respectively.

And so I sat myself down in the principal's office and reviewed my personal report card for 2010.
  • Language: A-
    Barry speaks well and comprehends at grade level; writing improving; too much cussing
  • Math: C
    Functional skills, but no progress since 8th grade; lacks enthusiasm
  • Science: B
    Watched PBS several times
  • Conduct: B-
    Less talking out of turn; has trouble keeping his hands to himself; no jail time this year
  • Penmanship: B-
    Needs works on cursive capitals
  • Social skills: B+
    Made a fool of himself at only one party this year, as far as he can remember
  • Art: A
    Made efforts at creativity; successfully pretended to understand and appreciate things he didn't
  • Honesty: B
    Pretended to understand and appreciate things he didn't
  • Enlightenment: C
    Made genuine efforts at universal love, living in the moment, and not wanting; needs improvement
  • Self-loathing: A
    No comments
  • Bestiality and Necrophilia (Avoidance of): A
    Shows improvement
All in all, a decent year. 2011 is starting well, with many opportunities. Candles and party hats next year, perhaps.

1 comment:

burgerdogboy said...

When people used to approach my father on his birthday (who died last year at age 99), and would say "so,one more year,eh?" His standard reply was "no, one less."

Btw, if you want to be really amused, click on the wheelchair icon on the 'comments' page.