Monday, April 18, 2011

Things I really don't want to watch

I know there are millions of people suffering somewhere, and I'm sorry about that, but look, I have problems of my own, ok? For example, basic cable. Basic cable is my lack of clean water. Basic cable is my cholera. It oppresses me.

Recent attempts at viewing basic cable led me to this list of

THINGS I DON'T WATCH TO WATCH

1. Any show with an acronym in the title.
2. Any show with Gary Busey in it, unless it's "The Buddy Holly Story" because that one was ok.
3. Country Music awards shows
4. Any show with an autopsy in it. (See number one above.)
5. Ads for remedies for toenail fungus. Is the need for relief from radical toenail fungus such a widespread problem it requires a comprehensive national ad campaign? Never mind, don't answer that.
6. News stories about airplane fuselages that just pop open all of a sudden.
7.Any show that displays a dead body within the first two minutes. (See numbers 4 and 1 above.)
8. Telenovelas on the Mexican channel. Ok, actually I want to watch them, I just don't want to listen to them because it distracts me from looking at the women.
9. Fake Beatles stage shows featuring fake Beatles. Don't you wonder if it feels weird to Paul McCartney to have people mimicing him all over, like a musical version of a Renaissance Faire?  Like, "I'm still alive over here, you know?"
10 Carrie Fisher doing Jenny Craig ads. She was so hot in the second Star Wars. Why, why?

This feels like only a partial list.